Character Names Must be Taken from the Bible

Dear Struggling Writers,

I’m here to favor you with more tips to change your feeble literary attempts into monuments of expression. Today I offer you guidance on how to name your characters. Here are my key tips:

• If you are writing science fiction, the names of your characters must contain an X, or Z, or Y. Q is sometimes acceptable. The names should require guessing when it comes to pronunciation. You should zealously correct anyone -- a member of your writers critique group, for example -- who guesses the pronunciation incorrectly. Be firm! The only thing that matters is that people use the pronunciation you made up!
• If you are NOT writing sci-fi (which makes you a wannabe. Real writers predict the future without emphasis on emotion, as everyone knows. Plus you need somewhere to display your useless knowledge of math and astronomy.) Anyway, as I was saying, if you are not writing sci-fi, you must, MUST use character names that come only from the BIBLE, OR THE NAMES OF OLD ENGLISH KINGS. This is critical. Any other kind of name makes your readers suspicious of your motives. As they should be. This advice applies equally when naming children. Actual flesh and blood children, I mean.
• Acceptable names are as follows: John, Peter, Paul, Simon, Henry, Richard, Thomas, Matthew, Luke, and Mark. THESE ARE THE STANDARDS. Stick close to this list. The names have been used ad nauseum in hundreds of thousands of books, but this is their appeal. Do whatever ever the group does, Debbies. It's true, the names are so milquetoast that the reader will have trouble remembering who is who, or why anyone cares, but that is not part of this discussion. This discussion is an admonishment to DO ONLY WHAT HAS BEEN DONE BEFORE. Otherwise people will know you are putting on aires.
• Women's names should include Mary, Sally, and Jennifer. Emphasis on Jennifer. This name should be used in almost every book. And every school classroom in America should have at least four Jennifers, as far as naming actual children goes. But that is an advice column for another day. Elizabeth, Margaret, and Julie are also acceptable female character names. Deborah is also acceptable. Sarah is getting a bit religious, which will surely offend most of the country. Unless your audience is in the Bible Belt. Then Sarah rises to the top of the list.
• Finally, remember this rule of thumb. If you have an hour to write, spend most of it fussing over your characater's names. Use universal search and replace to try out different names. Getting the perfect name IS FAR MORE IMPORTANT than actual plotting or demonstrations of literary prowess on the page.

Well, that's surely enough bearing down for one day. I'll be back.

M. Guppy Tulkinghorn

You CAN Blog About Anything!!!

Dear Struggling Writers,

Blogging is the key to a successful writing career. 

Any agent who hasn’t been dropped by all his clients because they have moved to self-publishing e-books will tell you this is true. I am the author of 47 novels and 18 nonfictions and my advice for you is BLOG A LOT. Here are my key tips:

• Blogs must be focused on specific topics only. Because of this, every writer should have three or four blogs, all with different titles and themes.
• YOU MUST post every new blog entry on Facebook. Only an ill-witted cabbage would miss this opportunity to alert their Facebook friends, most of whom they barely know and haven't seen in years, about every idea that pops into your mind to blog about.
• I suggest you blog frequently about how you have a WIP (work in progress, in case you are new to this whole world of writing, you dear little pet. Don't worry, you'll soon get all the important lingo to make you feel you are part of the group). No matter how collapsed your WIP is, you should blog about it. Until you give up on it and move to another project. Then you begin blogging about the new project until it gets hard and you give up. THIS IS IMPORTANT.
• Your blog will die and no one will read you unless you give things away. Anything will do.
• Have cute labels and themes for different days of the week.
• USE EXCLAMATION MARKS in all your blog titles!!!!!!!!!!!!! Duh!
• Be funny.
• And charming.
• If you don't have a blog, you will never find an agent.
• Make sure you prominently follow the blog of Nathan Bransford, even if you don't know that he is not an agent anymore, because being an agent sucks. He quit to go work in computers, but that doesn't matter. Follow his blog carefully. Let everyone know of your affection for him. He is likely to quit his job and go back to being an agent just so that he can agent your unfinished WIP which he found out about on your all-important BLOG.

Dear writers, these are enough tips for today. Memorize them, and I shall return tomorrow to give you further instruction.

M. Guppy Tulkinghorn, author